samurai

my days of sickly congé are over. i return to work tomorrow.

it is for the best... if i took another day off, i think i would be on vacation, and the guilt would overrun my enjoyment of free time. as it stands, since i took ill, i have read two complete books (finished the Bell Jar this morning) and watched several movies. this afternoon it was le déclin de l'empire Americain and this evening, les Invasions Barbares. they go together. even though the barbarian invasions came years and years after the original, i saw it first, and it was the invasions that made me seek out the decline of the american empire. such good films, they always make me think... what is the real relation between men and women? i can't find a satisfying answer. saturday,i asked my card cronies if it is ever possible that a man wants to be "just friends" with a woman. i got resounding No!s all around the table, but i still don't buy it. i think it's one of those questions that has no general answer, only specific situations. maybe i still have shreds of naivete like bits of cobweb.

of course, this means I have again exhausted my reading supplies and movies. which sucks. but i only have a few weeks remaining before my descent to the sunlit climate of southern ontario. haha... you who live in kingston would probably never use 'sunlit' to describe it, hey? neither would i, except in comparison to this place. i will buy more books and movies there.

my language feels oh so pretentious today. :p too bad for you!! it's because watching movies in french, even with english subtitles (yes, I'm lazy sometimes) makes me think in french. and then i have to translate my thoughts back to english, which makes me sound absurd.

this reading of the bell jar is the first time i haven't closed the book wanting to slit my wrists. (yes, it's an exaggeration). usually i read about esther's struggles to live a life that doesn't make her want to seize every opportunity to kill herself, and i think about my fight for meaning or whatever. everyone wants to live a life that makes them happy enough. it took me a long time to figure out how happy is happy enough, for me. this reading comes a few years after my last reading, and it think i have learned enough now to let insignificance wash over me without panicking that i'm going to drown in it.

it all comes together in work, at least from my point of view. it is the necessary, but not sufficient element for happiness. i have to do something with my day that gives me a sense of efficacy. i have to feel like i am competent in my own life, and i can't feel that when whatever work i am doing is meaningless. you know what i mean.. think of being washed through rapids without a boat or paddle and compare it with negotiating the same rapids in a kayak. i think that is why supplying was such a disaster for me... there was no connection, i could easily have been anybody. i did it as well as anybody, but it wasn't a good fit for me. in the world of substituting, no one notices you unless you fuck up. the best you can do is a substitute is blend in. yick. too much like high school.

this whole post is so pretentious and small. i think too much.