What to write about? It's just over two since I arrived here, and I sort of wish I could have a weekend away. I remind myself that I need to be patient, things will get easier and more involved. But right now, it just doesn't feel worth my time to be here. Don't worry, I won't be leaving anytime soon. I signed on for the year, and I'll complete my commitment. But I'm not going to pretend that it's all that rewarding - yet. It may become moreso over time, but after being called a bitch by one of my occasional students, after reminding a bunch of chatty, argumentative girls that they don't have to understand all my reasons for everything, after biting my tongue almost in half to keep from speaking with intense exasperation at kids who continue to vandalize, destroy and damage their work, the work of others, and the school materials, I feel like perhaps I've chosen the wrong career.
I've gone through these moments before and I know they pass. I know everyone has job dissatisfaction. I know that it is not uncommon for people to leave work at the end of the day wishing with great passion and intensity that they did not need to return the next morning. Somehow up here it feels more consuming. There's nowhere to go to escape from work. You see people around town and you have to be aware that anything you do reflects on you professionally. Here, I am only a teacher, barely human. OK, human, but not one of them. Even the government's policies ensure that I cannot be a real part of life here. If someone born here in the territory applies for my job and is adequately qualified for it, I will lose my job to them. I think if the people in town even decide they don't like me, they can refuse to renew my contract.
I have to go back to school tonight for Meet the Teacher. Do you know, every other school board I've been acquainted with or worked for has given compensatory time off on parent-teacher nights. Because now that I have to spend a couple of hours at school tonight, when am I going to do my planninng? I'm not impressed with this board.
No, I think there is not enough life here to keep me beyond the end of my contract.
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2 comments:
i think this experience is really revealing a lot to you! you need light to create dark. i hope you see the connection!
hm.... I'm puzzling over this. don't I want the light? why do I want to create dark? is this about my mood?
I will have to sleep on it. I hope I can figure out what the heck you're talking about so I won't feel stupid on top of everything!! ;) thanks for your thoughts.
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