paradise lost

i tell you that individual differences are greater than sex differences, but in the same breath i tell you it's all about sex.

something has snapped, and wingman is now officially bugging me. is there no way i can live with someone without beginning to hate them? i tell myself stuff is no big deal, and yet it bugs me so much. we all have faults, but his faults bug me more than mine do. sometimes i think it's just because he's a man. I don't know if I can explain so that it is understandable, but I'll try.

it is something about the way they don't acknowledge emotions, the way they are too practical and pragmatic, and how, if they don't understand a problem, then it really isn't a problem. it's something about assuming their way is the default, and the way they expect that you will do things their way without even questioning it.

thank god they have gone for the night!
what a relief!

they walked out the door, i went and brought the dogs into the back porch out of the rain, and then i proceeded to enjoy my space, my time ALONE.

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OK. so i have just written this only an hour ago, but didn't post it. i wanted to write more about revelling in my alone time. then they came back. they didn't go, after all. they're disappointed, sure. but I am flat out 'deçu'. (worse than disappointed, with the drama of french.) i was banking on this alone time, and i needed the break to help chill the annoyance i am feeling towards wingman. i left the first part so that you can better understand the depth of my disappointment in their early return.

I am an introvert and an extrovert. I need people, I need to feed off of their energy. but I also need alone time. i need security in my alone time, too, which is subtly different that just needing alone time. i need to know that for a certain period of time i will not be disturbed, or if i am, i can ignore it. like, if i'm home alone and i know beyond shadow that wingman won't come home in the next x hours, i can feel a little bit free. i don't have to answer the door, i can ignore the world. but here there is not that security. he could pop home at any time to check something or drop something off. i am never alone. even in my room, he has taken to talking to me through the door once in a while. and besides, a bedroom is too small to hide out in. i need more space!

where can one hide if not at home?