mind-bent

it's the coincidences that make me believe in randomness.

I used to look for clues about what would unfold in my life. When I was a teenager, I would read into everything around me... I was convinced that the number 17 had everything to do with this guy I used to see. He would call at 5:17 pm just about every day... on the 24 hour clock that's 17:17. It was weird. yada yada... I know it's silly. But my life felt so out of control that I needed those little touch stones to at least pretend there was something, some key to the universe, that could make things more stable.

I did the same thing with other spiritual practices. I cringe a little bit as I write this...

But now, I don't do those things. Now coincidences just look mostly like coincidences. I suppose you could say that life has lost some of its wonder, but I think it's more that I've finally learned to exploit my own powers and let go of the other things. My life doesn't feel out of control anymore - at least, not very often. I can tell when things are slipping because I start looking for the secret clues to the universe again. It is in those times of crisis that I forget that real communication and real work are what is needed to find stability again.

You might disagree with this statement: I am a very accepting person. I sound opinionated and judgmental sometimes when I speak, but deep down I just accept people and what they say. How can those two things go together? Like this: When Dubbya speaks one of his assinine speeches, I can hear what he says, and recognize it as garbage. And then I just accept that Dubbya speaking garbage is part of who he is. See, being accepting isn't always a good thing. I do become predisposed to believe that everything to come out of his mouth will be garbage, which can also be a problem. But one really good thing about this acceptance is that there is always room for more perception. First impressions don't mean a hell of a lot for me, because I'm building on my impressions with every encounter. That's how I can tolerate having some people in my life who have done bad, hurtful or questionable things... my impressions of them take a wider scope. I have seen them be small, but I have also seen them be kind or loving. Maybe that is also how I can tolerate myself.

So I guess that means I am not a woman of principle. hm. Once, that would have been a crushing blow... but what are principles worth, anyway? I'm very confused... I know that I've heard myself shriek, "It's the principle of the thing!!!!" Oh so confused.

Ever feel like you're on a mental merry-go-round?