you found me again!
i didn't post yesterday. i just forgot to do it until it was kind of late, and then i was tired. so i went to bed.
without going into detail, i'm finding work hard for the last few weeks. really hard. because i'm finding work so hard, i'm panicking... if i can't do this, what can i do? i've made no secret that jobs in my field are few and far between. and if even the best job in my field is still a huge headache a good portion of the time, why am i turning myself inside out for it? and if it's causing me this much issue, am i really the best person for the job? it's hard to inspire when you are dragging yourself in by the shoelaces.
i'm fairly intelligent. in general, most things i try i do as well or better than the average person. so it's not like i'm lacking in abilities. i just don't know what to do! i don't know what suits me, i don't know what i want to do. i don't know what i like. it's ridiculous - what can i possibly know if it isn't what i like to do?? what on earth made me choose teaching, and shouldn't i like it more than i do? or am i just going through a rough patch that would make anyone as frustrated and dissatisfied as i feel right now?
i don't expect any magic wand answers. probably i need to go for some career counselling, and maybe work on some kind of zen breathing exercises. maybe i need to seriously start looking outside my field and stop dreaming up the fantastic unrealistic career changes that i'm prone to. real, concrete career options are what i need. at least if i uncover some options and then stick with education, i will not feel like i'm teaching because i have no choice.
hmm. i didn't realize i felt that i have no choice.
maybe someone just needs to introduce the idea of respect into my workplace in a meaningful, effective and lasting way.
why is it that sometimes things roll off me like water off a duck's back, and sometimes they soak in and affect me deeply? sometimes i'm just what i imagine normal to be. some days i feel indestructible, and sometimes i am totally fragile: the smallest thing will cut really deep. why does that happen? does that happen to other people, too?
how can i dislocate my emotions while i'm working? how can i learn not to take rudeness and condescension personally?
i know, i know. a lot of questions. whatever. it feels better to identify the problem, even if i can't figure out a solution just yet.
fighting gravity and other incontrovertible forces
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4 comments:
i think... and kent thinks those feelings are completely normal. remember you've only been teaching in the north... the hardest place to teach- where noone cares about learning. those are good questions and kent thinks you might just be impatient for answers. he says the answers are a luxury but he thinks they'll come. you probably are happy when you think about the good things that are happening. you say you wonder why you're unhappy, but why not ask yourself also "why do i feel indestructable?" there's going to be crap in every job. teaching leaves so much room for how the teacher wants to do things. there's no right answer... everyone's different, and i've seen you in action and i've seen a lot of crap teachers in action... trust me you're great at it when you feel indestructable. i would definately not only want to work alongside you but even have you as a teacher... i am not writing a feel good comment... i am writing my true thoughts. teaching there got us thinking, "am i really making a difference? how?". sometimes i've even wondered that here... but then a ton of good things affirm that i'm doing well. teaching is a tough job if you care about it. good teachers think, "am i doing a good job?".
thanks for your (and kent's) thoughts and encouragement. i don't know why i feel indestructible some days... i have never really wanted to analyze the good stuff, in case i discover it isn't real.
Agreed. I think those feelings are normal. Your job situation has its good elements and its bad elements, and the bad ones (eg petty administrators, undermotivated learners) are emphasized in a way because you're temporary so you don't have a lot of bargaining power/"in crowd-ness" to make things change. And like anyone, you have good/energetic days and bad/drained days -- maybe more drained days than you normally would, because you don't have a big support network up there. There's nothing wrong with you; you're doing a job that is hard at the best of times and you're in an unusually hard situation.
The thing to be thinking about it, how to make your next job/move be to a place that will be good for you. So: What kinds of situations make you feel energetic? When do you work best, when do you feel best about the non-work parts of your life? What kind of town works best for you (not what kind would you like to have work best -- but what kind really does work best)? What aspects of the jobs you have had would you most like to keep/increase in future jobs?
haha, you know what's funny anne? i was thinking as i read your comment, Hey, I should journal about this... try to write down my thoughts about moves and jobs and stuff. and then i remembered: that's why i started this damn blog in the first place! half was for you all, so i can share my adventures. but for me it was about keeping track of myself.
the questions you asked are hard ones. i'm really going to have to think, because off the top of my head i can' answer any of them with confidence. for someone who thinks too much, and analyzes too much, i really don't know some of me well at all.
i will try to answer those questions for me though. i think you are right - this is one time i really need to use my head, and not just go back to kingston like a bird flying south.
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