tides

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
--from In Memoriam 27, Alfred Lord Tennyson

perhaps in fifty years they'll discover that each of us resonates at a certain frequency, and we just become friends with people according to how well we resonate with them. sort of like pheromones. obviously, our frequency can change over the years, so that sometimes our resonant frequencies clash with people whom we used to mesh with.

hm. I really liked Lesley's blog entry tonight. it was interesting. friendships are hard. sometimes I feel like a bull in a china shop. I wish, like I have wished since I was a child, that I had better control over my tongue. I'm not talking about kissing: I need more self-discipline. I cannot believe the stupid things I say. And what's worse is the stupid words? They never stop ringing in my ears. I still remember when I was 17 I accidently hurt the feelings of one of my campers. And I will never forget those moments of total shame that I had injured her feelings. I'm an asshole in sheep's clothing.

so what do we do when we realize things aren't as they used to be? change is the only constant: this has been my comfort for years. now, for the first time, I am not enjoying the change. Knowing that everything is going to change and keep on changing makes me tired in my soul. Adaptation takes a lot of energy. Flexibility needs practice - I know this. If you don't stretch every day, you get stiff. Fine. I will be flexible. But what about this adaptation? That's a real calorie-burner, only instead of making you sleek and fit, it makes you old and tired.

It's a full moon. Pay me no mind - I always get a bit wacko on full moons. Plus, I think I'm getting a cold.