this is not about the north

beauty is there for the seeing



i make some wicked bad decisions and then i don't know how to escape the consequences.

i am disappointed by friends and family but i don't know how to tell them so and i don't know if i have the right to be disappointed by them.

i mean, really, each person is entitled to behave exactly as they choose, so long as they aren't hurting anyone or anything else. that's a pretty major caveat i think. what does 'hurting someone else' entail? does it have to cause physical harm? undue emotional pain? social discomfort? we've all heard the saying about how a butterfly's wingbeat could cause a hurricane on the other side of the world... but none of us would go out and terminate the butterflies in order to ensure no hurricanes. how far down the chain do we need to take responsibility for the repercussions of our actions? at what point do the linked causes and effects no longer count?

i mean seriously... i did a teaching placement in a secure facility for dangerous young offenders - 14 yr old rapist and pedophiles and murders. strange how only one boy i met in my time there actually scared me... he had dead, glassy eyes. he looked at me like i was an interesting machine, nothing more. anyway... that's off-topic. these kids didn't become fucked up murderers and pedophiles just by nature. perhaps there is a natural propensity towards pedophilia - I've heard this theaory before. who knows? but there must be a point at which the social norms are rejected or seen as moot. for these guys, there were things that happened in their lives to make them that way. i have to say, I was really impressed with all the staff at that centre. they worked not only for rehabilitation of the symptoms, but they sought to help the kids heal the hurts that were causing the problems.
BUT.

But, when those kids reach the magic age (17? i can't remember now), the system becomes much less friendly. they are counted responsible for their actions in a new way, and while underlying causes might be considered, at a certain point, the kid is responsible for himself regardless of what has led up to those moments.

this has turned into a long post. haha... and I thought I had nothing to say. as if. i always have something to say.

i've been encountering my evil twin, my ugly side, more in the last little while than I am accustomed to. i am looking at myself, and i am not liking all that i see. i like some ;) dont worry... but there are bruises and rotten bits of me that make me think perhaps I am not taking proper care of myself.