salmon

let's try to distinguish in our minds the difference between apathy and ambivalence.

i'm apathetic when i just really don't care one way or the other. it doesn't register as being particularly good or particularly bad. i'm ambivalent about things when i just don't know which i'd prefer. it's probably important, but i can see the good and bad sides of the options, and i can't figure which is the better.

i'm not apathetic towards my career or my life, but i am ambivalent about how best to live it. i see good and bad in all my options. except winning the lottery of course. that could only be good. then i could buy a house and go back to school and choose whether or not to live in my house... ah..

life is like an incredible painting. you should know never to go with me to an art gallery. never show me artwork around your house. i take forever to look at things. and my life is taking me longer: i'm spending a lot of time digesting the events and relationships and adventures of my life. i'd like to be quicker so i could have more experiences, but if i go faster, i feel like i miss the point. it's like driving through paris or taking a tour instead of wandering: you only get to see the outsides of a lot of things you might explore more thoroughly if you were on your own.