commit me

I feel like a bad person.

I just called my aunt to tell her I'm not coming to help them renovate the restaurant after all. It's supposed to rain all week, and I don't want to be there, working in the restaurant all week, worrying that my dogs are bothering the neighbours because they're in a strange place and getting rained on. I don't have a doghouse there. I would be stressed the whole time and I just have no appetite for stress right now.

And I have so much to be doing here... my house is disgusting. I want to get a head start on my course reading. And I can't face the ridiculous drive - 5 hours each way!! gas money, plus I'm not as sure of my car as I used to be. what if it breaks down? I can't afford to get it fixed. Plus I'd either be sleeping in a musty cabin or I'd be sleeping in a damp tent. I think I'd come back exhausted and stressed out.

Yes, this post is one enormous rationalization. But since I've now spent a day and a half procrastinating about the actual packing and departure, I'm starting to realize I really don't want to be going. Why don't I recognize this earlier, before I make plans?? I hate that I've just disappointed my aunt. Although she was great about it, and told me not to worry. But still. What if they were counting on my help?

Good reason to feel like a bad person. I need to learn to not make commitments I can't keep. Probably linked to my fear of commitments in general - I'm always fearful that I'll make a bad commitment when I can't just pull a Houdini and escape.