just do it

When we say that we work at a job, and we count the hours for which we are paid, how often do we count the hours before and after work that are used up outside that time? It is especially noticeable during the first month of school, but I am perpetually exhausted after hours. Sure, I might leave school at 5pm, but I have used so much of my energy (emotional, mental and physical) during the school day that I am wasted and good for nothing.

Does everyone feel that way after work? Or do other people find that they have personal resources left that they can go out and socialize from 5 to 9, or join a team, or do some sort of personal work?

I can’t maintain this pace, that’s for sure. I’ve been back four weeks and I feel like I never had a vacation. My stress is high for a number of reasons relating to work. My every-second-day runs have fallen off to once or twice a week. I’m only cooking real meals on the weekends, and eating leftovers and improvised snack-meals during the week. I’m frequently so exhausted that I feel nauseous – like a permanent hangover without the memory-driven giggles.

The trouble is I don’t know what to reasonably expect from myself. Am I working too hard? Or am I just not in work-shape? I see examples of workers at work. Seems most people are pretty lazy compared to me. Most teachers don’t do extra-curriculars. Most don’t volunteer. But I see these things that I feel are important to do, and no one is doing them, so I do. I wish the others would take some things on. Maybe then I could get home before 5 once in a while. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel pushed to the wire – it’s me or no one.

I’m not trying to save the world. Really.

There is a really fucking annoying kid outside blowing a whistle without stopping. I want to smash the whistle.

I'm sitting here on a Sunday morning in my running clothes, listening to the radio, trying to compel or coerce myself out the door. I tell myself it will make me healthier, give me more energy in the long run (no pun intended). I give myself my aunt’s advice: I just have to run for one song, and if I still don’t feel like it I can come home again. I tell myself that I will feel really good afterwards. I tell myself that the more days between runs makes the next run harder. I remind myself how good it feels to be running; leg muscles pumping, deep rhythmic breaths, stretching my rib cage with each stride.

Go Beckie GO!